Ending the narrative: I’m not good enough

Living with an anxious brain most of my life has been a struggle. In fact, the ongoing narrative of “I’m not good enough” might be the subtitle of my future memoir. Most days I battle a barrage of thoughts repeating over and over how I’m not good enough. 

These thoughts started as a kid. I can remember being as young as five or six and waking up in the morning with the repeating thought: “I’m not good enough.” Every early morning rise to play soccer or catch the school bus was greeted with the overwhelming feelings of fear. Fear I would miss the bus. Fear I would find nowhere to sit. Fear I would have no friends. Fear I would trip and fall on the soccer field. Fear I was not good enough for anyone or anything. I was in a constant state of fear. 

Now you might think this sounds like someone who had a terrible childhood and grew up in an unsupportive household, when in fact it was the exact opposite. I grew up in a home where I could be myself. Where I was encouraged to pursue my passions, dreams, and I felt safe. It was once I left the confines of my home, my family, that everything and everyone became something or someone to fear. 

Once I entered college and started to live on my own, these anxious thoughts became even more challenging to manage. “I’m not good enough” rang really loud. So I drank. I drank because it would numb those thoughts for just a few minutes, and I believed it would clear up space to allow me to be me. Well, that’s not actually what it did. What it did was create a barrier between me and those around me. It made it so I didn’t have to reveal my entire self to someone to be liked. I could connect with people on a surface level and as a result, not get hurt when things didn’t work out.  It also made it difficult to get to know myself. Drinking felt like a new skin. I could be someone else and I didn’t know who Lindsay was without it. 

As I drank more, the thoughts rang louder. So I drank even more to drown them out. And at some point, it just didn’t work anymore, the drinking. “I’m not good enough” was all I heard, and I no longer could drown it out. 

So, I go sober. Simple, right? LOL. I did get sober, but it was not easy. While that in itself is a story, I’ll save it for another blog.

Being sober is a blessing and I’m grateful everyday that I don’t feel like I need to drink to feel like myself or just make it through the day.

Being sober robs you of the ability to run and avoid your thoughts and feelings. You are now face to face with each and every one. Which makes sobriety really painful for most. For me, nearly every day of the last (almost) 6 years of sobriety I’ve been revisited by the “I’m not good enough” narrative. And I’ve had to face and battle that narrative without booze.  

Which brings me to how being sober allows me to actually put this damn narrative to rest. I can change it. I couldn’t when I was drinking because I wasn’t present or even aware of my thoughts, I was just numb. But now, I’m aware of most of the dialogue happening in my head. I’m aware of when I’m getting a load of shit from my brain and need to pause and change the narrative. I still often will hear “I’m not good enough” but I no longer believe it to be true.

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